Feed My Spirit

"Good morning, my dear.  How are you today?"  Darlene said with enthusiasm.

"I'm doing well today.  Had an early morning start and feeling fresh for today." I replied.

"Are you feeling ok?  You look tired." She said.

"Seriously, you too?!  Yesterday Lanette said I look tired.  I think you ladies are just not used ot seeing me without my glasses on.  Now you can see my wrinkles and bags.  I tried to wear concealer and powder this morning, but I guess my age is just finally showing." I damn near bit her head off with my retort.  “I guess I need to invest in some crazy, expenses face and eye cream now.”

“Oh no, no, no, no honey that’s not what I meant.  You look beautiful, as always, I promise you’re always lovely.  But your eyes, they are telling me that your spirit looks tired.”  She says.

I stopped for a few seconds, taking in her words, “Your spirit looks tired.”  I realized in that moment that very moment that she was right on the spot; my spirit is tired.

We continued our conversation covering the basis of my stress levels at work and home.  But I can say with total affirmation that I’m in a good place with both.  Work budgets are done and it’s just normal day-to-day operations.  Home life is stable, fun, not-so-stressful, and bills are paid.  I’m not on infertility hormones yet, so I’m not going crazy.  All seems well.

Then Darlene asks; “Are you being spiritually fed? Are you letting Christ work in you and with you?   Are you thanking him and talking with him?  Are you meditating and praying?  Are you being spiritually fed?”

I know exactly what she means.  Am I devoting enough of myself and my time to my savior, so that he may work in me, in my spirit?  The answer was simple.  “No.” I shamefully replied to her.  “I’ve been so busy.  I feel like I have no time to myself to just sit and waste.  I have no time.”  Then all of a sudden my own words resonated deep in me.  What the hell do I mean, “I have no time?!”  YES I DO!  I have time… and if not, then I will make time.

The truth is, I’ve just been so wrapped up in my day-to-day responsibilities that I forget to take those few precious moments and give them to him.  And, since we’ve moved to Woodland, I haven’t attended 6:13 service on Wednesday nights back at my old home church.  I haven’t even found a worship center close to home yet.  These are things I need!  These are things that have kept my spirit fed forever.  And all of a sudden I’m too busy for it?!  Like hell!

Darlene is the kind of woman that can open my eyes to what I need!  Not my wants… but my needs!  Her belief in me.  Her prayers for me (and Khris) are amazing.  In her, we’ve found our “work mom”.  She’s always quick to put us back in place.  She gets me.  And most importantly, she see through to my soul; to my spirit.  So when she says “Your spirit is weak baby.”  She means it.  So now it’s time do to my part and feed my spirit. 

So, in the 2 ½ hours that I’ve been at work, here’s what I learned I need to do for myself.  A few simple ways I plan to jumpstart my spirit again.

• Solitude, meditation & prayer.  Put aside at least 30 minutes a day/night with no television, no books (except my bible), and no phone.  Just spend some alone time with God.  I need to get in his face and establish and maintain my personal relationship with him.
• “Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.”  1 Chronicles 16:11 

• Service and Worship.  Find a home church close to my home.  Establish myself in a loving, Christian community again.  Sing him all my praises.  Find a new bible study group and learn more about him.  Devote several days a week to worship at service and study.
• “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  Romans 12:2
• “Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.  Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.”  Psalm 100 1-2

• Serve my community.  I used to volunteer often, but find myself once again with no time.  There are no excuses why I cannot give back to my community.  I am blessed with more than I deserve.  So it’s time I share my gifts with others again.
• “God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”  Hebrews 6:10

• Live according to his laws!  Plain and simple… I MUST be a better Christian woman.  Love everyone.  Understand everyone.  Have compassion for all.  Live according to his laws!!!! 
•  “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”  2 Corinthians 10:5
• “Love the Lord your God and keep his requirements, his decrees, his laws and his commands always.”  Deuteronomy 11:1

 

I Hit the "Fresh Start" Button

I spent nearly two weeks (not in it's entirety) deleting every single blog I've written over the past 8 or so years.  I thought I'd pick through them  and save the ones with meaning.  But then I read and re-read most of them and at the end of the day... it's time for a fresh start.  I deleted them all! 

Here's what I learned about myself:

• I was emotionally bipolar.  One minute I was happy... the next minute sad.  One day was a good day... the next day bad.
• I like to think I'm smart, but in actuality, was kind of a smart-ass jerk.  I never realized how harsh I criticized and bullied people with my words.
• I acted like a know-it-all (ties in to me thinking I'm smart).
• I judged a lot of people.  Not on purpose or out of malice.  But still; judgment on another is never acceptable.
• I didn't like most of my friends because they were the ones I mostly spoke of in posts.
• I was a coward because I chose to write in passive-aggressive form and "code" rather than confront the real issue, problem or person.
• I was genuinely unhappy with myself for a very long time.
• I was never certain of my future.  I never really cared.
• I used to seek validation from others, never fully understanding that the only validation I needed was my own and GOD'S!

But things change.  People change.  I'VE changed!  I'm happy now!  Blessed!  Content!

I astound myself daily on the progress I've made growing from a 20something twerp (yes I said twerp) into a 30something woman.  I learn something new about myself, about others, about the world... every day.  I like to think I've changed for the absolute best.

Today... I can count on 10 fingers the number of people I truly feel complete with in my life.  Those that have stuck by me through all my attitude issues and life's problems.  The unfortunate thing about my life is that I would need several hands and feet to count the number of people that are no longer a part of me.  Those that didn't make the cut as I was growing up and moving on.

Its sad... life.  Thinking about my past.  Choices I've made.  People I've lost.  Unfortunate lessons I've learned.  But at the end of the day... what is truly meant to be will be.

I promise to find more time in my life to write again.  I'm going to write about being happy!  I'm a happy person!  HAPPINESS is key to living a fulfilling life with love, friends, family and more!  I'm thirty three and thriving.  The best part of my days are learning to accept each new lesson in favor of growth, rather than determent.